Letters of Resignation
by Memories-of-the-Shadows
Summary: Suppose that Harry was a rebellious, antisocial teenager with tons of money and a certain eloquence? Au, it's fanfics darlings, and minor spoilers. Very, very minor. And cursing, let's not forget cursing.
1. Chapter 1

_**Memories: I don't own Harry Potter or Dr. Faust. Those lucky people who do, well, sue them.**_

: : : 

They said that I couldn't hate. They said that, no matter the parallels between me and Tom, I would never be like him. They said that I was too good, too pure to ever dislike someone.

Let me ask you, does that sound even remotely possible? Were they all too blind to see the feuds that sprung up amongst the houses? Apparently so, because if they had, then they would have known that _love_ is not 'the power the Dark Lord knows not'. I don't even know what love is, let alone how to use it to defeat a Dark Lord. Living with the Dursleys is not conducive to knowing love.

Oh, you might say that my parents loved me, and of that I have no doubt. But, people, I was one. I could barely say "mummy" and "daddy", let alone recognize love. And, about that, I _was_ one. How could _I_ have defeated _Voldemort_, _the most evil Dark Lord in recent history_? I may be powerful, and my mother may have sacrificed herself for me; but who's to say that any other mother would not do exactly the same thing. What makes me special besides some prophecy from an old fraud?

I suppose the only real way to know what happened is to emulate Dr. Faust and practice necromancy. Unfortunately, the oh-so-intelligent Ministry of Magic has deemed that dark magic and therefore, forbidden. I'd like to know why someone hasn't assassinated that man yet. But, I suppose he is bloody useful for the Death Eaters. Good for them. An idiot that can't wipe his ass without advisors is a good man to have in office when you're trying to take over an entire community of sheep.

Also, the justice system is screwed up. My godfather, Sirius Black (ooo, yes, I said the bad man's name; so sue me), was thrown in Azkaban for twelve years with **_no_** trial and the farce the _beloved_ Ministry called a _trial_, he went in with an assumption guilt and no chance to prove otherwise. Then, he was killed in the very same Ministry that hunted him for the last three years of his life. I, frankly, would not be _at all_ surprised to find that after I off Voldemort, Aurors come and knock down my front door to drag me to Azkaban. It's just really fucked up and I know you can't see me, but I'm laughing, honest.

And I know everyone _loves_ Dumbledore, the senile old dotard grandfatherly figure with no fashion sense and is half-blind, but how many people have honestly known him as long as I have? The man may _seem_ senile, but he's just a manipulative old Alzheimer's patient. How many of _you_ would ignore a letter addressed to a bloody _cupboard_! Moreover, before you say it, the man has hundreds of our children's lives in his gnarled old hands. He's not _allowed_ to make mistakes.

I love my friends, and it used to be that I'd do anything for them. But Ron and Hermione slowly opened my eyes to their faults. I suppose that I really can't trust Ron, no matter how much I'd like to, to always stick by me. He's shown before that he won't. And Hermione, the dear girl, loves authority way too much. The Weasleys really are nice, but, there are some things that they just don't understand. There are some days that I wish that I had taken Draco Malfoy's hand that first day. At least the Malfoys know how to survive. But then I remember that they're Death Eaters. That really fucks everything up, doesn't it?

But, I have digressed. A lot. The main point is that I hate a lot of people and things. Like my fame, for instance. However, that's not important. What's important is that I think that I'm completely and utterly, **_sick_**, of being your Saviour. You certainly don't appreciate it, if Ms. Skeeter's columns are anything to go by. Did you know that she's an illegal animagus? A beetle; actually quite appropriate. So these are my last words to you, my dear wizarding world: "Fuck you all, I going to go live! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!"

Sincerely,

Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-to-Leave

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

"Harry, are you quite sure that you want to publish this? It'll make quite a few people very angry." Luna says, after she reads over the letter that Harry handed her.

Harry smirks. "That's the point, Luna. And I really am leaving. So I suggest that you and your father get out as soon as it's published."

Luna nods thoughtfully. "Yes, we could go hunting for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Where will you be?"

Harry smiles. "I dunno. But, one thing's for certain, it's no where that's anywhere _near_ the United Kingdom. I'll owl you later; once I'm settled, and the Fidelus is up. Maybe you can come visit and help me search for more of your exotic creatures."

Luna looks up at him with wide, dreamy, blue eyes. "Maybe. Bye-bye, Harry."

"Bye, Luna."

: : : 

_**I really should not have written this. I am working on chapter 10 of Philomel's Lullaby, no worries; but it's going so slowly. And I can only go on the computer on the weekends now, because my chemistry grade sucks. Well, anyway, this may or may not be continued; I just thought that this would be what a rebellious, antisocial, teenaged Boy-Who-Lived would say. And Luna's in there because she's fun. Review if you like it, flame if you don't, don't do anything if you really don't give a shit.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Memories: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not have those kinds of delusions of grandeur.**_

**_Warning(s): There might be a tiny bit of cursing. Just a tiny bit. And it's American, because I'm hopeless at English cursing._**

: : : 

When Harry's letter was published, mass panic ensued.

People managed to blame everyone but themselves for what Harry had written and the Ministry had signed a chase and capture form for the Boy-Who-Lived. Then there was the Weasley family.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR JEALOUSY GET THE BETTER OF YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH HARRY! THAT POOR BOY HAS DONE NOTHING TO MAKE ANYONE THINK THAT HE LIKES THE FAME!"

Ron was desperately trying to sink into his chair to avoid his mother's angry tirade. Ginny was sighing morosely, ignoring her mother and brother.

"How could Harry leave without me? He loved me! He didn't even say anything to me…"

Hermione was also there, eyes bloodshot due to crying. She was thinking of the letter and what it said, 'I never thought that Harry had it so bad. How could I miss that Dumbledore was being so manipulative? Maybe it's true, what Harry said, that I look up to authority too much.'

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

The Malfoys had a very different reaction.

"How dare that snot-nosed little brat call us Death Eaters in the papers! You're going to bring charges of slander against him, aren't you, Lucius?"

Lucius Malfoy continued reading his book. "It's true, anyways. And, to bring charges, we would need to find Potter in the first place. I doubt that someone with as many enemies as Potter would be easy to locate; especially with funds such as his."

Draco walked into the room and sat down to read the paper for the first time in a week. He drops the paper in shock after reading the front page news. "Potter regrets not taking my hand? And he left? I might actually have to respect him now; damn."

"Draco, watch your language around your mother."

"Yes, Father. Sorry Mother."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Luna got the invitation to come to Harry's new home sooner than she'd thought. She and her father, Lazarus Lovegood, had just finished packing when Hedwig flew in.

'**Hey Luna,**

'**It was much easier to find a place to stay then I thought. Turns out that My Mother had an apartment in undisclosed location that was passed onto me when she died. And, what's more amazing, here, no one stares at me. In fact, I look almost like one of the majority of the population.**

'**Anyways, I heard some old legends about mythical creatures in the magical community here. Want to come? If so, just hold the letter and say, "A evita pe cineva." It's a Portkey.**

'**Harry'**

Luna reads the letter then turns to her father. "Daddy, Harry found a place to stay and wants me to come help him find some creatures. I promise I'll be good."

Lazarus looks at his only daughter. "Okay, Loony, sweetheart. Be back in time for school."

Luna kisses him on his cheek and smiles dreamily. "I may be transferring. I'll owl you if I do. _A evita pe cineva_!"

The Portkey, which would have normally only taken a few seconds, took a good five minutes before depositing her in a rather cramped bathroom. Luna takes a moment to take in her surroundings before pronouncing, "I didn't know that you could sleep in a bathroom, though this is a nice one."

The door bangs open and Harry looks vaguely shocked. "Hi, Luna. I didn't expect that it'd dump you in the bathroom. Come on into the flat proper."

Luna drifts off through the door. The apartment is actually quite nice, modern, though a bit messy. The view shows a city overlooking a glistening bay. Upon closer inspection, the tiny people on the streets below seem to be wearing face masks.

Harry notices where her gaze is directed. "Yeah, it's humid outside so that pollution index makes the masks necessary for continued breathing. Welcome to Tokyo, Japan. How's the UK fairing without me?"

Luna smiles dreamily. "There was a panic. People are blaming anybody that even met you once in passing for your disappearance. Mr. Riddle doesn't seem to have even noticed your departure, no Death Eater activity whatsoever. The Malfoys didn't do anything, but the Weasleys are trying desperately to find you. Dumbledore had a mild heart attack upon hearing the news and is now in St. Mungos. The Healers are firmly denying him access to any sort of sweet."

Harry looks indistinctly uncomfortably and declares, "I think I'll send another letter. Meanwhile, do you want to watch Naruto? It's in Japanese though, can't get the bloody translator to work…"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Dear wizards and witches,

I've heard from one of my dearest friends that you have been panicking. Dumbles I couldn't care less about, the manipulative bastard.

My advice to you: Stop acting like a bunch of chickens with no heads or the Ministry (your preference), and think. I'm really not necessary to defeat Voldie-kinnie-winnies. In fact, if you just banned together to overthrow the bitch, you'd win. He's really not that hard to defeat; just work together.

Seriously, didn't they ever teach you that in primary? Sure, no one ever listened; but, really, who listens to their teachers?

Oh, and a shout-out to my friends, the Ministry of Magic and the Weasley family, "STOP LOOKING FOR ME!". You frankly won't find me. Not if I don't want to be found; and, here's a little clue for you, I don't.

Malfoys, however, I was a little surprised that none of you were ranting in the papers. I _did_ call you all Death Eaters. And, my experience, you don't go in much for truth. So, Voldie-kinnie-winnies' favorite bootlicking pretties have lost their spine? Too bad, though you may want to spend a little less time in front of the mirror in the morning, Draco. Then, maybe, Parkinson won't hang all over you like a creeping vine in heat.

Now, to the Dark Fuck himself; Voldie-kinnie-winnies, what's this I hear about you not terrorizing the countryside, looking for villages to plunder and girls to rape? You have a reputation to uphold! I'm very disappointed in you.

Last and certainly least; Dumbledore, are you dead from sugar withdrawal yet? Or were those lemon drops secretly laced with morphine or laudanum? I knew it! Don't worry, I'm sure that the nice Healers can fit you up with a nice jacket and a bouncy room.

With all my love,

Harry Potter, Disgruntled Saviour of the Wizarding World; NOT.

: : : 

_**I know I said that this might not be continued, but it was too funny to not. There will only be one more chapter though. So, my very first humorous fanfic by myself and I can't get past three chapters! Pathetic. R&R, please.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_I'm really sorry I haven't updated in awhile. No inspiration and a lazy-ass muse. Which I guess is the same thing. Ya'll get a surprise at the end though. Happy Birthday!_**

** : : : **

This time, the fallout from the Harry's letter reached all the way to Japan. Not that many of them cared, the Japanese Ministry of Magic was never in the best terms with the United Kingdom. They kindly sent Harry and Luna a copy of the Prophet, though, for their pleasure.

'**Boy-Who-Lived Still Missing!**

'**By Rita Skeeter**

'**It appears that our ministry has not been successful in finding our Saviour. And with Albus Dumbledore still in St. Mungo's, there is little hope of defeating He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.**

'**This reporter, though, has new information that the Ministry believes that Harry Potter was kidnapped by the Dark Lord and is being forced to write these obvious lies.'**

Here Harry could no longer hold in his hysteria and nearly choked on his own saliva. Luna pounded him on the back just after she told him, "Your face is turning a very nice sunset, Harry."

'**For what purpose, we have no idea, but it may be to demoralize us.**

'**For now, we turn to Harry Potter's long-time girlfriend: Ginny Weasley. Now, Ginny, did you know of Harry's disappearance?'**

'"**No," sob "Harry never told me anything! And he'd never leave willingly without me! He must be captured! Please, Harry, come back to me!"'**

'**Yes, thank you. I'm sure that the Aurors are doing everything they can. Please, everyone, keep an eye out for our Saviour.'**

Luna spent the rest of the day making sure that Harry got enough oxygen, in between uproarious outbursts.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Severus Snape was downing his first batch of Turkish coffee **_(by the way, I've heard that Turkish coffee is unnaturally strong. It might be a reason for his bad mood.)_** of the day when he sees the paper the owl just delivered. Thinking that there might be another of Harry's letters, he opens it.

And immediately spits out his coffee. "Potter wasn't kidnapped! I would've known!"

A thought comes to him belatedly and Snape frowns into his coffee. "Perhaps I should have told them that Wormtail is dead and the Dark Lord is currently suffering from a stroke-induced coma." Then he takes a swig from the mug.

"It's too early in the morning to be dealing with imbeciles, I tell them later."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Meanwhile, at the Dark Lord's compound, Bellatrix Lestrange was reading one of her favorite romance novels and thinking about her choice in the war.

'What kind of Dark Lord has a stroke upon hearing that his archenemy has run away? And, anyways, what kind of Dark Lord has a _teenager_ for an archenemy? It's pathetic. _I_ could do a better job. Hey, why don't _I_ become a Dark Lady and off Voldemort?' Bellatrix smiles slowly and turns the page in her book. 'Ooo that can wait! Julio and Mary are having an affair, I knew it!'

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Neville Longbottom was visiting his parents again when an old, familiar voice called him.

"Neville! My dear boy, why don't you come and talk to your old headmaster for a few minutes?"

Neville sighed internally and turned around. 'What can the old fart want? It's not like I'm going to know where Harry is.'

"Neville, I know that, throughout your Hogwarts' years, you have admired me greatly—"

"I haven't."

"Excuse me, my boy?"

"I haven't admired you at all. I've always thought of you as a senile old goat who ruined my life and Harry's. I don't know where Harry is and I haven't been marked by Voldemort, ever, and just so you know, no one else that is still in Europe knows where Harry is."

"Surely, that's not true. I am the greatest Light wizard, ever."

Neville was ready to tear out his hair and storm on out of the country, just like Harry. 'No wonder Harry left, if this is what he had to deal with on a daily basis.'

"It's very true. And, now, if you'll shut up and die and leave me in peace, I need to speak to Professor Snape." Neville walks out of the room without waiting for a reply.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Wizarding world, yet again.

Thanks to some very interesting people, I have read Ms. Skeeter's article. I see you've changed your tune, Rita. Was bashing the boy-who-lived-to-run-away not profitable? Awww, poor bwabwy.

Okay, on to Ginevra. You do realize, Ginny, that I never cared one whit for you, right? And that I could barely remember your existence most of the time. Where the fuck do you get love out of that? What? Oh, right, the voices in my head (not Voldie), have informed me that it might have something to do with that night that I took advantage of the services you offered anyone that had influence in the world.

What? Even a hero has needs. Especially a randy teenager. And, come on people, do you really think that I would know nothing about sex? I just don't always have time for it…

Anyways, Ginny, that night, I was drunk (damn you Fred, George…) and they'd spiked one of them (probably the fifth) with an aphrodisiac. Me, I'm just glad it didn't double as a fertility drug. But, I was really wanting for someone and you seemed just as good as anyone else. But, considering how many times we did it, you might want to get a pregnancy checker thing. I'm sending one along with Hedwig and if you are, I'm suing for paternity and parental rights. Merlin knows, you could certainly build up a defense, what with the number of guys you've slept with.

Now, Molly-mum, I know that you are probably freaking out about finding out that your precious baby girl is a slut, but I know she didn't get it from you. Voldie-Moldy probably left behind his libido in Ginny when he skipped on out like the fruit-cake he is (why else would he have three of the most gorgeous people in his employ, his beck and call all day, every day. Lucius Malfoy, Bella, and Severus Snape? Come on people, even if it's only my top and bottom that's bent, I can still see that the Light side is lacking in hotness.)

Well, it's time for me to go and enjoy the night-life here. American music is really the kicker, ain't it?

Harry Potter, the boy-who-really-does-know-about-more-than-kicking-Voldemort's-ass

** : : : **

_**Well, for all my fans it appears you've gotten your wish. I don't think I'll ever finish a fanfic completely. I really hate that. Oh, well.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**So far, this has been my favorite chapter to write. Mostly because of the Dementors somewhere near the middle. Tell me what you think!**_

_**Ashe does not own Harry Potter and is in fact just demented. Should she ever tell you otherwise, disregard that information and admit her to the nearest mental facility.**_

: : : 

At the Weasley household, St. Mungo's officials were taking one Mrs. Molly Weasley out in a stretcher. It seems, upon hearing the news that her daughter was a slut, she had a mental break with reality.

Upstairs, Ginny Weasley screamed as the pregnancy test read positive.

Gred looks at Forge. "Maybe we shouldn't have added that fertility drug."

Forge shrugs his shoulders. "How would we know that Ginny was that nearby? And, besides, it was experimental. We didn't know it would work."

"Too right, Forge, too right. Let's go congratulate Ginny on her quadruplets, shall we?"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

In the Malfoy mansion, Draco was getting cornered by his mother and Pansy Parkinson while his father looked for a chance to escape.

"Draco Lucien Malfoy! You had better hope for your sake that you have never touched that Gryffindor whore!" screeched Pansy. Draco cringes guiltily and glances at his father.

"I haven't! I swear, I haven't! You're the only one for me!"

Narcissa smacks Draco on the top of his head. "You will not swear in my house, young man! And how dare you try and lie and say you haven't been with that hussy! She's so much beneath you; I should have her expelled for even daring to come near you!"

Lucius mouths an apology at his son before quickly leaving.

Draco sees this and screams, "Oh, you are so whipped, Father! Get back here!"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Cornelius Fudge finally got a clue and went to Azkaban Prison to enlist the help of the Dementors. Fortunately, the dementors saw him coming.

"So, Dick, do you think that sign made him go away?"

"What sign, the one that says, 'Gone Fishing'?"

"Well, yeah. Do we have any other signs out there?"

"There's that one that says, 'Soul-sucking fiends inside, proceed with caution'."

"Oh, yeah, I always forget that one. Do you want to go play go fish with Bella?"

"Nah, she always wins and besides, she escaped three months ago."

"Well, damn. Lucy-goose_** (Lucius Malfoy)**_?"

"Snob and escaped the same time as Bella."

"Siri-dearie _**(Sirius Black)**_?"

"Dead, and escaped three years ago."

"Oh, yeah. Rabbit_** (Rabastan Lestrange)**_?"

"Escaped with Bella."

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer_** (Rudolphus Lestrange)**_?"

"Bella."

"Smarty-Barty_** (Barty Crouch Jr.)**_?"

"Soulless and escaped more than twelve years ago."

"Man, we are really losing our touch!"

"Not to mention we have no one to play cards with now."

"Damn."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Severus was having a particularly bad day. Mostly because the Dark Lord had regained consciousness, if not the use of his right side.

"Seoaneo, margle fargle ienoanfjaie?"

"No, my lord, Potter hasn't come back yet."

"Ajejinfairnhvferh ajkrehfui?"

"No, the potions are not done yet, nor do they guarantee you full use of your entire body. I've told you this."

"Crugio!"

"My lord, you are unable to do any magic at the moment. I've also told you that. I am leaving and I will send in Bella. I'm sure she'll take very good care of you." And, with that, Severus walks out.

Bella was standing right outside the door, waiting to make her move.

"Bella, if you're going to kill him, now's the best time you could ask for."

Severus apparates out to the happy sounds of "Crugio!"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Luna and Harry were sleeping off the wild night they'd had at one of the cosplay bars littering Tokyo when Hedwig came back with a Howler from Ginny, Fred and George.

"**HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW DARE YOU GET ME PREGNANT AND SPREAD SUCH LIES ABOUT OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER! I TRUSTED YOU! WHA- NO, FRED, GET AWA—**

"**Hey Harry, we just wanted to say that we're sorry for putting that experimental fertility/aphrodisiac into your drinks. We didn't know that you'd go after Ginny.**

"**Yeah, we were kinda hoping you'd go after a boy, considering that's what it was made for…**

"**And, I know that we promised that we wouldn't experiment on you, but you're our only friend that would go after the closest hot person."**

Harry and Luna here crashing sounds and a girlish scream from one of the twins.

"**HARRY, YOU HAD BETTER COME BACK HERE THIS MINUTE OR ELSE I WILL BE VERY PUT OUT WITH YOU! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE TWINS ARE TALKING ABOUT, BUT THEY ARE CLEARLY DELUSIONAL! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, CALLING ME A SLUT! MY MOTHER IS IN ST. MUNGOS BECAUSE OF YOU!**

"**IF YOU DON'T COME BACK, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU! GOOD****BYE****, HARRY POTTER!"**

Luna tilts her head to the side and scratches the ears there. "That was interesting."

"What, the Howler or the Sephiroth currently passed out on the floor?"

Luna mulls over this for a moment. "Actually, I was talking about the Margle-targle toad that's hanging from the ceiling."

Harry nods quite seriously. "Huh. Well, I, for one, am voting for the Sephiroth. Too bad we couldn't find a good Cloud."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

To the idiots who like to call themselves magic-users,

I had a really long night last night (wouldn't you like to know what I was doing /wink, wink/). So the letter should be quite short.

Or not.

Okie-dokies, whose life haven't I ruined yet? Oh, yeah! Our Sevvie-wevvie-russie-mussy. For those that don't speak Fangrrl, I'll translate: Severus Snape, Esteemed Hogwarts Potions Master and Member of Voldemort's Inner Circle but Just so Happens to be a Spy for the Light Side. Wow, that's a mouthful.

Did you know that his hair is actually quite clean? It just looks that greasy because of all the drugs—uh, I mean potion fumes.

And those bloodshot black eyes? All because of the crack—I mean Crucios.

And the reason I can say all this without repercussions, is because I'm never coming back to the Wizarding World. Otherwise, you would find my hide would be going through worse than Mussolini's did. And that's saying something.

Oh, sorry, gotta go. Whoo-wee, Vegas really doesn't sleep! It's a good thing I packed a ton of pepper-up potions. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move my left, as well as my right! Tommie-boy can tell you how much that sucks. If you can understand the garble.

With all my excrement,

Harry Potter, the boy-who-is-a-sex-god—NOT! He's a legend.

P.S.: Sevvie can understand Voldie's gobbly-gook. Maybe it's the ecstasy—um, the practice from the numerous dunderheads he teaches.

_P.S.S.: There is a little discrepancy on the signature. Harry-dear has been getting some egomanic illusions for awhile now. Most likely due to the fake prophecy. LL._

: : : 

_**I just love it when I update quickly. But I love the reviews even more. Especially Belladonna16's. Keep'um comin', please.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**I do not own Harry Potter, and nor do my writings reflect what our esteemed President is like. It does, however, reflect my personal opinions.**_

: : : 

Some enterprising young intern at the Daily Prophet by the name of Colin Creevey was going over Harry's most recent letter in the paper when he noticed something odd.

His scream of joy permanently deafened Rita Skeeter and left her unable to work. She killed herself two weeks later.

Then was resurrected by a group of muggles that were (unsuccessfully until that moment) trying to raise the devil. Upon her return to the wizarding world, Rita was lynched by an angry and superstitious mob; who believed her to be the muggle Antichrist, and they wanted to avoid Armageddon.

But enough about Rita.

Colin raced all the way to Ministry of Magic, quite scaring all the muggles on the way and making a few of them call animal control on their cell phones.

"Harry's in Vegas! Harry's in Vegas!" screeched the annoying boy, whilst jumping around the Atrium like a lunatic.

Quite a few of the ministry employees Flooed St. Mungos to inquire about a room in the mental ward for one young boy.

Finally, Percy Weasley comes down to see what all the fuss is about. If it was an hour after Colin had come, and Umbitch had reported screaming coming from the Minister's office; well, no one really cared.

"What is going on here!"

Colin enthusiastically bounces up to Percy and shoves the paper in his face. "Harry's in Las Vegas, in the United States! See, see, see!"

A few of the muggleborns start whispering about a chipmunk on speed.

Percy snatches the paper and pushes Colin away. "How could we have missed that?"

A Slytherin girl by the name of Su Li, who was at the ministry with her parents, shouts out, "Maybe it's because you're all a bunch of imbecilic dickwads!" Everybody ignores this.

Percy holds the paper up like a flag and marches to the Minister's office. He bursts through the door.

Ignoring the various "toys" scattered about, Percy stomps up to the Minister and waves the paper around. "Potter slipped up, we know where he is! Call the Americans!"

Fudge wakes up from his post-coital haze and stammers, "Wha? Call the Americans? Okay, what for?"

"Potter's in Las Vegas!"

"Potter, really? Where's Las Vegas?"

"AMERICA!"

Fudge looks like a light bulb finally turned on in his head. "We should call the American consulate, then!" He turns to the fireplace and calls, "The Oval Office!"

The green fire flares and George W. Bush's head pops in. _**(If you can't take unabashed current President of the United States bashing, I suggest you don't read this next part. I positively hate the man, and therefore, will hold nothing back.) **_"Well, howdy, Fudgie. Whatcha need?"

"I have it on good authority that you have one, Harry Potter, encapsulated within your Las Vegas! Give him back!"

"Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Fudgie? Did you get your little—whats-his-name—to write a speech for ya?"

Percy scowls and mutters, "Merryweather, honestly…"

A whispering on the other side brings clearance to Bush's visage. "Oh, yeah, I've heard o' him. What 'bout him? We don't got him…"

Fudge starts screaming like a little Dudley who didn't get any candy, "Yes, you do, you do, I know you do; give, give, give!"

"Now, Fudgie…"

"No! No! No! I want Harry Potter, NOW! If you don't hand him over, NOW, we'll start a war!"

"Fine, if it's a war ya want, it's a war ya'll get! It'll be worse'n Iraq! Prep the nukes!"

The floo connection cuts off. Percy looks horrified. Su Li, who had pushed her way in, laughs harshly.

"Now, look at what you've done, you petulant old fool! We're all going to die by hick and idiot!"

Percy, going into a state of shock, speaks calmly, "We are in a war with the United States of America. Tell me one good reason not to shoot the Minister and then myself."

Su Li sneers and spins on a heel. "Do us all a favor and burn this heap down. I'm going back to China." She starts muttering to herself, "I told mother and father that coming here was a bad idea, but does anyone listen to the eleven year old? Noooooo. Well, look who was right in the end…"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

The next day's headline made the collective wizarding world gasp in horror.

'**U.S. declares war on Ministry of Magic! Who is to blame?'**

Even in Japan, Harry was slightly disturbed.

"Wow, Bush really is an idiot warmonger! I thought that that girl I met was just joking…"

Luna looks faintly puzzled. "Was it that one who kept telling me that I would fit right in with her friends and then screaming at the voice in her head?"

Harry nods. "Yep! Kept ranting on and on about what an idiot Bush was, and then somehow got onto the topic of Hitler having syphilis. Really weird girl…"

"Well, we did meet her at that Sephiroth Burning Party, to resurrect Mother. Perhaps we should not have taken that detour to Florida…"

"Oh, it was alright. The Sephiroth got scared when a lot of them started bowing, though."

"Really? I thought that was in Africa…"

"No; by the way, do you remember what we were talking about, Luna?"

"Was it the Sniffling Silekie?"

"No, what the hell is that anyway? I've never heard of it."

_**(Okay, all you party-poopers that can't handle some good fun can start reading again.)**_

\/\'\/\'/\/'\/\

Neville had finally managed to garner an audience with Snape. Scowling due to insomnia and the waste of time, Neville stalks into the room like a Slytherin.

"What do you want, Longbottom." Snape demands with a scowl of his own. Neville had interrupted his daily shot of … coffee. Really, what were you people thinking?

"I want Dumbles to die, I want all the idiots in world political offices to drop dead, I want to take over the world, and, finally, I want to fix global warming. Unfortunately, none of that's going to happen. So I'll settle for your help in fixing my parents."

Snape sneers. "I can't help psychos."

Neville bares his teeth. "You're a Legilimens, aren't you? Go mind diving and tell me whats wrong."

"I don't have to. Those fools were tortured into insanity by Bellatrix Lestrange. Quite a simple diagnosis, don't you think?"

"Not when Dumbles was the one who found them."

"I fail to see what that has to do with me."

Neville groans aloud and bites out, "Maybe Harry was right and you really do take drugs. I wouldn't be surprised, especially if Dumbles is your provider. That man is madder than a Hatter, and probably on something himself."

…Silence.

"I have to agree with you on that."

Neville smiles dementedly. "That just killed you to say, didn't it?"

Snape scowls and drinks his coffee. "I am not on drugs, no matter what Mr. Potter may think. In fact, if anyone is on drugs, I would have to say it's him."

"No, Harry is just insane."

"So, you mean Rita Skeeter was correct?"

Neville nods distractedly. "Not about the cause, I think, but the insane bits right on the mark. You can't live in a dorm with someone for seven years and not notice these things."

"I would imagine so."

/\/'\/\'/\/'\/\

Somewhere, very far away, Harry sneezed.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Somewhere, even farther away, the Fates lost a bet to the god of Chance.

"Ha! I told you hags, there was a chance of Severus Snape and Neville Longbottom having a polite conversation!"

"Fine, fine. Just take your money and leave."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Beloved wizarding world,

Who's bright idea was it to piss off the maniac in office over in the states? Especially for no reason…

It was Fudgesical, wasn't it?

Of course it was. Just so you all know, I'm nowhere in the U.S. Who decided they had a brain and thought that up?

Well, I just wanted to say congratulations on triggering the WWIII. Great going.

Oh, and I've heard that Rita Skeeter has passed away. I'll miss her, for sure. Because everyone loves getting their character ripped to shreds by a hideous harpy.

Is Voldy-moldy-shorts fixed yet? Or did Bella kill him? Sorry, I'm a little out of touch with the rest of the world. Penguins aren't exactly great for conversation and it's so bloody cold here that the paper freezes together…

Well, I'm kinda tired, so this isn't as long as my other ones. I mean, it's dark all day long, and I not nocturnal.

Bye, bye,

Harry Potter, the boy-who-is-laughing-his-arse-off-at-you-idiots.

P.S.: Ginny, darling, I'm suing for custody, on the grounds that you are unstable and have habits that could be hazardous to my baby's (') health. Expect a Gringotts goblin to show up in a few days and a guard to make sure that you don't try to abort or kill yourself.

: : : 

_**I'm so happy! I finally finished this chapter; it was giving me a ton of trouble. But, what I'm really happy about is that my birthday is on the eighteenth, so as a present to you all, I've posted this on my birthday.**_

_**Please, as a very special birthday present, can you all review? Even if it's just to say one word, it'll mean so much to me.**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Really, really sorry that it's been so long.**_

_**I do not own. Ever. In any dimension.**_

: : : 

Moody had always been a bit paranoid. Just a bit.

His mother had said it was a product of being of a family of high profile crime lords. Then she was killed by assassins.

Moody didn't like this business with Potter one bit. He'd always thought the boy was a little off his rocker, but Dumbledore seemed to have it in hand.

Now Moody was looking for the rebellious teen in the Artic. _**(The Order doesn't seem to know where penguins live. Well, they're a lot smarter than the Ministry!)**_

"It's bloody cold here. Why would Potter want to live here?"

A large polar bear passes him by, judging that his meat would be too tough and stringy and that one leg was wood. 'It's just not worth it. Too bad…walrus' are too tough to catch most days.'

Moody's real eye twitches. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" he yells at the poor thing. The polar bear is spooked and runs away quickly.

Suddenly a dart comes out of nowhere and hits Moody in the neck. A figure comes into view and shoots Moody again, just in case.

"I found the hairless yeti of the Artic Circle! I'm so happy, if only Luna was here to see it!" sings Lazarus Lovegood, dancing around in a happy little circle.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

In Grimmauld Place, a young woman by the name of Nymphadora Tonks, and who shall forever hereto after be Nymphie, was sitting, drinking and giggling at a portrait of her great-aunt.

"I told you, he'd fall for it, Auntie Wally. Moody may be paranoid, but he's bloody stupid."

Walburga Black sniffs primly and regards her niece. "I concede to your point, Nymphie. I had just assumed that he would at least check to see if you were correct."

"Nope! And now you owe me fifty bucks. Pay up, Auntie!"

"I'm a portrait, you stupid girl!"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

McGonagall was sitting in the rooms she had at Hogwarts and debating on whether or not to get out the catnip.

The past couple of weeks had been hard on the normal venerable professor's patience and self-control. Not only was one of her lions missing, the Headmaster of the school she loved almost as much as her catnip was in the hospital.

A hand strayed to the unassuming tin box before being snatched away. "No, Minnie-Mouse, you won't become like those, those…_hippies_."

An hour later, the temptation simply proved too much and McGonagall was dancing around, high on catnip.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Someone put down their binoculars in disgust and muttered, "If the Dark Lord wants to know what that batty old witch is up too, he should at least pay me… Who knew that cat animagus could get smashed on catnip?"

That same someone died of a terror induced heart-attack when McGonagall stripped.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

_**(Okay, people, I'd rather not die a horrible death because I thought this up. I love Sirius just as much as all of you.)**_

Sirius was floating in a very dark place. He knew it was dark because he couldn't see for shit.

Sirius stares at these words that float in the dark place.

"Well, gee, thanks, freaky-girl. I know I can't see for shit. Write something useful, like a light."

I'm sorry, did he just say something? Because Sirius is alone in the dark place, with no one to talk too. All he can see is the words floating.

"Arggh! Stop writing this crap! Go back to detailing Harry's insanity or something! Gods, this is worse than Azkaban."

Sirius is suddenly reminded of his stay in Azkaban. The darkness that overshadows the dark place is overwhelming and repressive.

"No, you idiot girl, it's not. I just want you to write more about Harry. NOT ME!"

Sirius suddenly pulls out his hair in frustration because the darkness is so repressive and silence heavy in its intensity.

"It's not silent! Your stupid muse keeps coming and hissing at me! It's like talking to Voldemort!"

Once again, it is stressed that Sirius is alone. There is no snake-girl to talk to. These are products of Sirius' strained mind.

"I WISH I COULD KILL YOU! STOP WRITING THIS! GO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE!"

Sirius gets up and runs around in a circle, mouth open in a silent scream. It appears that the stress of being alone has broken his mind. We should leave.

"FINALLY!"

_**(Don't hurt me…please?)**_

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Harry pauses with his blowfish-laden chopsticks halfway to his mouth.

"Luna, are you sure that you know how to cook this stuff?"

Luna turns and stares at Harry. "No, but it wasn't too hard. Isn't it good, I saw you eat three pieces!"

Harry goes pale. "Blowfish is poisonous."

Luna looks confused. "Yes, I was wondering why you wanted it, Harry. Fifty people a year die of blowfish poisoning."

"You need a special license to cook it."

Luna nods. "I tried to tell you I didn't have one, but you didn't listen."

Harry grabs his hair and screams, "I'M GOING TO DIE!"

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Somewhere, in another dimension, where this is canon, a fangirl screams in horror.

"LIKE, NOOOOOO! HARRY CAN'T DIE NOW! I LURVE HIM SOOOOO MUCH!"

Her friend, who is comparatively sane, looks at this fangirl askance. "Is something wrong Ashley? Like the connection between what brain you have left and your mouth?"

Ashley, as we now know the fangirl's name to be, sobs onto her friend's shoulder. "Harry is going to DIE! It's so HORRIBLE! Sana, make it stop!"

Sana pushes Ashley off her shoulder disgustedly. "Get off me, you freak! What do you suppose I'm going to do? Hmm? Write to the lazy-ass author and tell her that my friend is upset that Harry is going to die, and is crying all over me? Right, that'll work."

: : : 

_**I'm sorry for taking so long, life's a bitch. All I ask for this chapter is for you not to kill me. I swear, I felt like such a bitch when I read Deathly Hollows. Sirius just came to me, it was a random thing, and I swear it won't happen again. The last part, with the fangirl and her friend, happens with my friend's all the time; all of us alternating parts. And I suppose you have to wait for the next chapter for both the letter and whether Harry dies or not.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Memories here. You all are probably cursing my existence right now. More in the end notes._**

**_I do not, nor ever will, own Harry Potter._**

: : : 

Hello!

This isn't Harry. My name is Luna! Harry accidentally ate something poisonous and is now dead.

Sorry!

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

The very short letter caused an international crisis like that not seen since the World Wars. Of course, that meant that the British Ministry of Magic was right in the middle of it all. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Oh, wait, there is one Atrium! No, no, that's just Umbitch—ehem, excuse me, Umbridge.

In any case, the British Wizarding World was in a panic, despite the not-so-tiny fact that Voldemort had not been heard from since Harry left.

Then news of a rather large missile on course for London (because precision does not matter but accuracy does), which was panicking the entire world. Russia, Iran, North Korea, China, France, India, and the rest of the nuclear powers were also aiming and readying their own nuclear missiles.

Of course, that's not what Percy was particularly concerned about.

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Harry comes out of the bathroom, a green cast to his features.

"Luna, next time I say I want something potentially dangerous to my health; smack me."

Luna smiles and nods. "Okay, Harry."

"Now that I am feeling relatively sane, and not queasy; may I have my wand back?"

Luna, true to her word, smacks Harry.

"What was that for!?"

Luna smiles happily. "You told me to smack you."

"It was my wand! I only asked for my damn wand!"

Luna frowns as if she is confused.

"But it could be dangerous, Harry!"

Harry gapes at this revelation. "Uh, yeah, just forget I said anything Luna."

/\/'\/\'/\/'\/\

_**Three Years and no letters later**_

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Harry chases after four little girls that look exactly like him, only with blue eyes. Luna runs up to them panting.

"Harry, I just saw a hairless yeti of the artic!"

Harry blinks his emerald eyes at his partner in crime. "Luna, do you remember where we live?"

Luna's pale blue eyes widen innocently. "Tokyo. Why?"

Harry smiles indulgently and catches one of the girls' hands before she can grab his hair and pull it.

"We don't live in the artic, Luna. So you couldn't have seen whatever it was that you saw."

Luna pouts. "But I did! See?"

She points at a very ragged figure limping down the street; waving a wand and yelling, "I'VE GOT YOU NOW POTTER!"

Harry's eye twitches. "Oh, fuck."

\/\'/\/'\/\'/\/

Dear Wizarding World. Or rather, the fucking bastards who won't let a man live in peace.

This is my last letter to you all, as well as the first one in three years.

I understand that many of you believed I was dead. This had made me very happy because it meant that you all would leave me the fuck alone. However, one of those fried chickens you call the Order of the Phoenix recently found me.

I have deleted his memory and sent him back to you. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone survived the Nuke War that Fudge caused, but miracles can happen.

I realize that I have just admitted my continued existence, but I dearly hope that the past has taught you something.

For one, that I—nor any other person—am not a fucking tool to be used and abused. I am a person with his own goddamn dreams.

Now, if you all will just leave me and my family and friends alone and get on with your own godsforsaken lives; I'd really appreciate it.

Never yours,

Harry Potter, someone hopefully older and wiser.

: : : 

**_Thank you, everyone, who has read this and enjoyed this and reviewed this and favorited this and alerted this. I know alot of you wanted me to make this a whole lot longer than it is, and I'm sorry I couldn't. Wow, though. I can't believe this just started out as a whim. I never meant to go past three chapters, but it just swept me up. I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully this is a satisfying end to my first chaptered fanfic to end. I hope that this has inspired someone else--like Dear Order inspired me--, so I can read something like it!_**

**_-Memories and Sarika, signing out._**


End file.
